


Reflections on an Invisible Sea

by crescendohowell



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Coffee Shops, Depression, Getting Together, M/M, Minor Swearing, poet!dan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-23
Updated: 2017-01-23
Packaged: 2018-09-19 08:54:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,715
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9431564
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crescendohowell/pseuds/crescendohowell
Summary: Yet the person must have heard Dan because they turned and suddenly Dan was making eye contact with a very pretty man who completely took his breath away.  Because he looked unlike anyone that Dan had ever met in this small town, and while Dan knew that the man’s curved nose and jarringly pale skin weren’t stereotypically beautiful, on him they undoubtedly were.  Dan could see the ocean in the man’s eyes, even in the dim light, and he couldn’t bring himself to look away. (or where Dan writes poems about the ocean and falls in love with Phil)





	

Where Dan lived the sky was always foggy blue grey.  It melted into the ocean where they met on the horizon and the air constantly smelled of salt, especially on cold mornings.  The color of the houses had all been worn away by the wind, leaving bleached shingles and peeling paint.  The roads were windy and teetered on the edge of cliffs that threaten to fall into the swirling water that pounded against them regardless of the time of year.  It wasn’t the sunny warmth that people ordinarily thought of when conjuring up a picture of a beach in their mind, but Dan loved the soft blues and greys so much more than any brightly coloured image.

He had lived near the same ocean for his whole life and Dan didn’t think that he would ever be able to move away from it.  For as long as he could remember he had been infatuated with the numbing cold water.  When he was sitting in the soft sand with the ever present wind surrounding him, Dan felt most at home.  The ocean was his soundtrack as he sat writing short combinations of words that rose and fell like waves onto water wrinkled paper.  It brought a sense of peace to him that most people spent their whole lives searching for - Dan had just been lucky enough to find his place sooner.

_The cry of waves_  
_Beckoning closer._  
_Singing songs_  
_Both harsh and_  
_Peaceful._  
_Pervade dreams_  
_Of drowning_  
_Surrounded by_  
_Such a wonderful_  
_Sound._

There was another boy too.  Phil.  He had never lived near the ocean.  Or at least he never had before and he told himself that still didn’t when he woke up to yet other sunless day because the fog covered everything in sight.  When he had gotten a job working at the local ocean conservation center he hadn’t imagined living in a place like this.  The image of a beach in his mind was sunny and warm.  It was nothing like this and Phil hated waking up to cold feet that never seemed to warm up anymore, because no matter how many socks he put on, there was nothing that could keep out the biting cold.  Still, his job was working in the field that he wanted so it could be worse.  Maybe.  

Dan didn’t like his job very much either. He worked at the local coffee shop and smoked during his breaks.  And yeah, Dan knew his life was a bit of a cliché, as he stood in the alleyway behind the shop smoking cigarettes, but the grey smoke filled his lungs and calmed his nerves.  Sure, he knew that it was detrimental to his health, but most of the time he couldn’t bring himself to care. 

Sometimes his co-worker did care though, and they would give him a look when he came back in.  Then Dan knew that the thick scent of smoke hadn’t quite faded as much as he hoped.  But they never addressed it.  And Dan breathed in the nicotine so that he could get through the day of work without snapping at a customer who yelled at him.  It was shitty work but it was enough to pay for his tiny house at the end of the road one off from the cliff so it was worth it.  Even if it was ruining his lungs.

When he got home after work the first thing Dan always did was take a shower a scrub the smell of coffee off his skin.  He never used to have anything against it but after a while it had begun to smell like dread and bitterness.  Besides, his ex-boyfriend used to tell him that he smelled like the ocean and Dan really liked the idea of that.  That was the nicest thing he had said to him their whole relationship and the ex had probably just been trying to flatter him, but as Dan stepped out of the shower into his ordinary black jeans and hoodie, he hoped that it was true.

It was already dark outside by the time that Dan finished cleaning himself off.  He always hated that there was never any daylight left when he worked the later shift.  However, over time he had grown to accept it and he would walk out to sit on the bench on the point of land that stuck into the sea like a sore thumb, even though he could normally only hear the water instead of seeing it.

Since it was so dark, especially during the winter which was the season that they were edging into (though the climate was always rather constant along the coast), there was never anybody there to bother Dan.  In some ways he even liked it better than the daytime because he could sit and stare at the reflection of the moon on the water and there was nobody to give him weird sideways glances or ask if he was okay. 

Only today there was somebody.  They were already sitting on the bench when Dan walked up to his spot fully expecting it to be empty.  Their presence there made him jump when he noticed the figure and Dan almost backed away without saying anything, _they probably wanted to be left alone anyways._

Yet the person must have heard Dan because they turned and suddenly Dan was making eye contact with a very pretty man who completely took his breath away.  Because he looked unlike anyone that Dan had ever met in his small town, and while Dan knew that the man’s curved nose and jarringly pale skin weren’t stereotypically beautiful, on him they undoubtedly were.  Dan could see the ocean in the man’s eyes, even in the dim light, and he couldn’t bring himself to look away.

“Hello,” The man cautiously broke the silence.  “I didn’t expect to see anyone else out here.”

“Y-yeah,” Dan stuttered on his first word.  “I didn’t really either.”

The man smiled.  “My name’s Phil.”

“Dan.” He quickly decided that he wanted to make Phil smile more. 

“Do you wanna sit?” Phil scooted over on the bench to make room for Dan.

“Sure,” Dan felt his heart seize up when they accidentally brushed arms. _Yeah, he definitely wanted to sit._

Phil didn’t push any more conversation right away and for that Dan was grateful because he was sure that if he tried to speak his words would have all come out in one big jumble.  Instead they sat in silence, staring out at the ocean in front of them that was illuminated only by the moon and the stars.  Dan clutched his notebook and pen in his lap and Phil shivered slightly because he had forgotten to bring a thick enough jacket.  They were both painfully aware of any movement the other made and stole as many sideways glances as they could.

Dan noticed that Phil’s hair seemed to fall perfectly straight, exactly like how he had wished his would for so many years.  That observation made Dan self consciously run his fingers through his own hair which was the tangled curly mess it always was at night because he never made any effort to straighten it until the morning.  

Phil noticed that Dan’s fingers drummed anxiously against his notebook, pressing unheard patterns into the worn cover.  Phil wondered what was inside.  He thought it might be writing, Phil reckoned that Dan might be a writer. _Who else would wander around at night?_

Phil had never really been one to keep his questions to himself, so he decided to ask: “What’s in your notebook?”

“Oh,” Dan was surprised by the question.  “It’s nothing really.  Just shitty short poems and other little things.”

“So you’re a writer then,” Phil smiled that he had guessed correctly.

“I wouldn’t say that,” Dan immediately tried to lower any expectations that Phil might have come up with.  “Really it’s only because my drawings even worse, so writings the only option if I want to get down ideas.  I’m not a _writer_ though.”

“Okay, Mr. Not-a-Writer, why are you wandering around so late at night then?”

“I could ask you the same question,” Dan returned.  Really he just hoped Phil would talk about his life so that Dan didn’t have to talk about his own.

“This spot’s a good little escape,” Phil stated simply.  He didn’t mention anything about how it was easier to sit by the ocean at night because when it was dark it was easier to pretend that the beach was pretty and tropical instead of dull grey.

“Yeah, I agree,” Dan didn’t offer up any more information either.

They didn’t talk again for a while after that.  Instead they sat and eventually Dan cracked open his journal slightly to scribble down a few things.  As it got later their staring at each other became less and less discreet, but by that point it was dark enough that they could pretend that they didn’t notice the other person looking.  

Dan realised that he knew absolutely nothing about the man next to him, but sitting on that bench so close to the edge of the cliff, Dan could practically feel the air whizzing by him as he fell.  Because even though he didn’t know anything about the other man yet, Dan wanted to.  He wanted that more than he had wanted anything in a long time.

_Breathless_  
_Oh please hold on._  
_We’re spinning,_  
_A swirl of_  
_Stars and reflections._  
_I’m grasping_  
_At something here,_  
_You just need to_  
_Hold on._

“I think I should probably go home,” Phil said after a while.  Truthfully he should have gone in hours ago but sleeping meant waking up again and he was never quite ready to give into that.

“Yeah, it’s getting really cold,” Dan agreed as he pulled his jacket closer around him.

“I hope I didn’t ruin your spot or anything,” Phil said as he stood up, his toes numb in his shoes from staying still for so long.

“It’s alright,” Dan didn’t mind.  So long as the person interrupting his routine was as pretty as Phil, Dan actually didn’t mind at all.

“Maybe I’ll see you again sometime then,” Phil really hoped that they would run into each other. 

“Yeah, I’d like that.”

“Alright, well I guess bye then,” Phil gave a small wave.

“Bye Phil.”  Dan liked how it felt when he said the other man’s name.  He watched as Phil walked away from the bench towards the road until Phil had blended into the fog and darkness.  Dan could have sworn he saw Phil turn around once, but really it was too hard to see.

_All consuming_  
_Invisible sea_  
_And glowing skin._  
_Just a shade of_  
_Nighttime_  
_Away from being able_  
_To touch._

The next day was soft.  The sort of fog that rolled over everything like gently low hovering clouds, covering the town in a soft blanket.  Everything was always quieter on those type of days.  As if they were muted by the thickness of the air.

It was Dan’s day off of work for the week too so he spend the morning laying underneath the warm quilt on his bed and making peach tea to warm his hands once he finally got up.  Normally he liked the sort of silence that these days brought, but today it was too much.  So he connected his phone to a speaker and blasted Bon Iver throughout his house, letting the music cover all the spaces inside of him that felt achingly empty.

Eventually the sun managed to break through all the clouds, like it sometimes did for about an hour in the afternoon.  As much as Dan liked the grey, today he needed that warmth on his skin so he grabbed a blanket and headed down the path to the beach before the sun could be covered up again.

The sand at the beach was almost completely untouched as Dan climbed down the small hill to his favourite spot.  There was rarely anybody else there, and most of the time he could pretend that it was his own little corner of the world.  It was a place were the sand was soft and the waves crashed against the rocks in a constant rhythm.  

The sun was like liquid yellow as Dan lay down on his blanket and appreciated how nice the warmth felt.  Of course the wind was still there and the temperature wasn’t anything drastically different from normal, but just that small bit of sunshine was enough to make him feel like maybe there were better things than the clouds he normally spent so many words writing about.

_A brief clearing._  
_A ray of warmth._  
_But does appreciating_  
_It now,_  
_Mean later_  
_I’ll only ache  
_ _Once it’s gone._

It wasn’t much, but on his day off, it was enough for Dan to exist without dreading tomorrow.  He could breath in the familiar salty cool smell and for once his mind wasn’t rushing ahead to the countless possibilities he was missing.  He didn’t feel like he was floating away.  The ocean had that effect on him. _If only there was something to keep him grounded when he wasn’t sitting in the sand._

Meanwhile, Phil wasn’t having nearly as good of a day.  Unlike Dan, he did have to go into work and it was the same boring routine that left him struggling to stay awake as always (though maybe the struggle to stay awake really came from the ever later bedtime).  He missed the hour of sunshine because he was inside doing paperwork and it was like the good weather had never occurred at all.

Luckily the day managed to drag to an end eventually and Phil was able to leave the concrete building that always smelled of damp and walk back home.  That was one of the good things about the town he reckoned - everything was in walking distance. Of course if you ever wanted to go anywhere remotely interesting you had to drive at least two towns over, but Phil still liked being able to walk places.  He thought living in a city like London some day would be really cool because then you would be only a tube ride away from anything you could ever want to do.  But for now walking was enough.  It had to be.

Once Phil got home he wasn’t really sure what to do.  Really he wanted to see Dan again because he had yet to make any friends since he moved and sure, skyping with his friends from uni was fun once a week, but it wasn’t anything near the same thing.  The only problem was Dan was just a guy that he had met coincidentally on a bench who was probably bothered by the fact that Phil stole his spot.  There was no way that Phil could figure out how to see Dan again unless they ran into each other again randomly and as tempting as it was to wander the town in the hopes that that might happen, Phil managed to talk himself out of it.

Instead he curled up under his duvet and watched netflix on his computer until the the brightness felt like it was burning his eyes when he blinked.  Even then Phil didn't turn it off, until the next thing he knew was waking up to the sound of his alarm on his phone because he had fallen asleep and slept the whole night without even realising it.

By the time that he finally managed to drag himself out the door, Phil was barely awake.  When he was halfway to work he realised that he had forgotten to make his morning coffee and maybe that was why he felt like he could barely keep his head upright.  So he took a slight detour from his path to work to head into one of the two local coffee shops to pick something up.

“Phil?” Dan noticed him instantly and called out his name without really thinking.

“Dan!” Phil was shocked to see him standing on the other side of the counter.  “You work here?”  He asked as he walked up to the cash register.

“Yeah,” Dan shrugged, not proud of the fact.  

“At least you smell like coffee when you get home instead of dirty salt water.”

Dan raised an eyebrow.

“It’s a long story,” Phil forgot that Dan didn’t know where he worked.  “So what do you recommend I get?”

“Vanilla mocha?” Dan suggested.  He reckoned that Phil looked like a vanilla type of person; cute and sweet.  

“Sure sounds good.” Phil agreed.

He then paid before going to sit down, leaving Dan to make the drink.  As Phil glanced around he noticed that there only seemed to be one other employee, who was busy clearing off table as slowly as they could possibly manage.  In general the whole coffee shop had a rather slow atmosphere even during the normally crowded rush of the morning.  In fact, Phil had never been to this coffee shop before because it was rather universally known that the other one was better.  But this one had Dan, so really Phil regretted having never been here before.  Even if the only other customer was an old man who looked like he hadn’t moved from the chair in the corner in years.

“Here you go,” Dan interrupted Phil’s thoughts as he brought the coffee to the table where Phil was sitting.

“Wow, such good customer service,” Phil teased as he took it from Dan.

“Well, that’s what happens when you only have two customers,” Dan joked back.

“Ah so you can feel the emptiness too.”

“The slow sadness that somehow manages to surround everything without even moving?  Yeah, I feel it everytime I come into work.” Dan hated how poetic his answer sounded.  It was like he was trying too much, but he couldn’t come up with a simpler way to explain things.

“Speaking of work,” Phil glanced at his watch, “I’d better be going.  I’ll see you around?”

“Yeah,” Dan hoped that would happen at least.  “Maybe at the bench that we both thought was our own.” Dan added, only half joking. 

“Yeah, maybe,” Phil waved goodbye before disappearing out the door.

The other employee was still clearing the one used table and the old man was still in the corner, as stone still as always.  But Dan was left standing in the middle of it all, his routine shifted by someone who shouldn’t have meant anything but for some reason they already did.  And for once the drowning sadness didn’t feel so all consuming; it felt bearable.

_Barely here,_  
_Still a whisper_  
_Of things that may_  
_Come to pass._  
_Yet already leaving_  
_Imprints,_  
_Pressed with a smile,_  
_Into something once  
_ _Thought impenetrable._

Both Dan and Phil could barely wait long enough for it to be nighttime, when they could go to that bench on the cliff and desperately hope that they other would be there because if not they would be absolutely crushed.

Dan didn’t have the late shift so he was the first one there this time.  Even though he wasn’t expecting Phil to be there yet, the sinking disappointment swelled for a moment in his stomach before he could remember to push it down. 

Yet he soon distracted himself with writing and his worries about if Phil was going to come were forgotten.  That’s not to say that Phil was forgotten though, because no matter how many poems or stories Dan tried to start they all seemed to connect back to Phil.  So after a little while of trying to stop that, he gave up and embraced it instead.

As he wrote, Dan thought about how Phil was easily one of the most beautiful people he had ever met.  It was the type of beauty that went beyond facial features and perfectly black hair.  As he wrote Dan thought about much Phil deserved poetry.  Phil, with his pale skin made of moonlight and ocean wind, was more than words would ever be able to explain.  Somehow he was sterling silver bracelets, the distinct feeling of a storm beginning, and something else Dan couldn’t name all at once.  It was intoxicating.

It was no surprise that Dan didn’t notice Phil walk up behind him, he was much too concerned with the words that he scribbled messily onto paper before they slipped through his fingers and ended up in the ever growing collection of phrases lost someone in the depths of his mind.  

Phil approached the bench slowly, watching Dan write for as long as he could before Dan saw him.  He noticed that Dan looked at peace when he was writing, more than he normally did at least.  People always described writers with furrowed brows and stern grimaces as they struggled with their stories, but Dan was completely removed from all of that.  Instead he forgot to worry about how he looked like he normally did, and his face was relaxed as all his energy went to sorting through the words in his head.

“Oh,” Dan was actually the one to interpret Phil’s thoughts, as he suddenly noticed that the other man was standing there.  “Sorry, I didn’t see you.”

“S’fine,” Phil sat down next to Dan, trying to not seem to obvious in how he purposefully sat a little closer than was necessary.   _It was cold.  They needed to sit close for the body heat where their legs brushed together._  “Can I see anything you’re writing?” He asked, fully expecting Dan to refuse.

“Maybe,” Dan glanced down at his now closed journal.

“Really?” Phil was shocked.

“I mean, probably not, but maybe-” Dan cut himself off.  “It’s just that I’ve never really shown my writing to anyone before.  Or at least not since I left school.”

“Well I’d love to see it,” Phil decided not to push.  “Whenever you decide that you’re ready.”

“Soon,” Dan offered as gentle promise.  He really did want to show Phil, just maybe not quite yet.

_Slipping._  
_Falling._  
_I know I’m losing._  
_Diving_  
_Headfirst._  
_We’re in dangerous waters_  
_Now._

There was a moment of silence before Dan spoke again. “Just, um, if you’re gonna see them, I guess I should at least let you know; I think you’re pretty.” Dan didn’t look at Phil at all as he talked.  He didn’t want to see Phil’s reaction.  All he knew was that he needed to tell Phil now, before they got any further.

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

“I think you’re pretty too Dan.” Phil smiled, reaching down to take Dan’s hand lightly in his.  Dan’s hand was cold and Phil could feel the callouses on his palm, but his fingers immediately tightened around Phil’s and Phil felt like his heart might explode.

_Too soon_  
_But yet_  
_I’m falling in love_  
_With an ocean_  
_In love_  
_With the feeling of  
_ _It all._

“We don’t know each other at all.” Dan said, looking down at their hands now.

“Yeah, but I’d like to.” Phil wanted that more than anything.

“I would too,” Dan agreed, unable to keep the smile from creeping onto his face.

_But oceans are deep_  
_Still scared_  
_Of drowning._  
_Of breaking all my bones._  
_Suffocating in such a  
_ _Wonderful feeling._

Nothing happened right away.  Yet slowly but surely they became part of each other’s lives.  It was the highlight of Dan’s job when Phil would stop in to get coffee on the way to work.  Then later, most nights, they would go to each other’s houses or to their bench by the cliff, and they would talk until they were so tired the words became jumbled.  It turned out that neither of them had ever had someone to talk to before - and they both really needed it.

However, this newfound closeness also began to make Dan worry because any other time he had began to rely on someone else they had eventually left.  He was getting much too attached much too quickly.  Sometimes when Phil pressed soft warm kisses to his lips Dan had to resit the urge to pull away.  There was an aching sort of fear that ran deep in his bones and Dan wasn’t sure if he would ever be able to let go of it completely, even if he wanted to.

“Hey,” Phil greeted one day as he walked into Dan’s house after just barely knocking before coming in (Phil came over to Dan’s most days so knocking had quickly been forgotten).

“Hey,” Dan smiled as he looked up from his spot on the couch.  Phil’s hair was wet because he always showered before he came over.  He still hated his job and the smell of coldness that it left on him, but with the help of Dan he had begun considering looking for other jobs one town over.  Sure, it would mean a bit of driving, but once Dan pointed out how worth it it would be, Phil felt silly for not thinking about it sooner.  “How’s it going?”

“Better now that I’m here,” Phil grinned as he sat on the couch next to Dan, pulling his boyfriend close.  He had officially asked Dan to be his boyfriend last week and Phil couldn’t get over how good it sounded.

“Good,” Dan set down his notebook and turned to kiss Phil.  “I agree.”  He added before kissing Phil again.  Their lips moved lazily as they moved closer, Phil’s hands on the small of Dan’s back pulled him so that he was practically on top of his lap.

“Missed you,” Phil mumbled once they pulled apart.

“It’s been a day, you dork,” Dan hid his smile behind his hand.

“A day too long.”

“You’re impossible.” Dan shook his head, still smiling.

“You love me.” Phil said without thinking.

But they weren’t that close yet.  They might be at the level of not needing to knock and sleeping in each others beds but they had never said that yet and Dan immediately stopped smiling once Phil did.

“So, what were you thinking for dinner?” Phil stiffly tried to change the subject.

“I ordered a pizza,” Dan managed speak evenly.  “The same as we normally get.”

“Sounds good to me.” Phil replied.  

As Dan got up from the couch after mumbling some excuse, Phil realised didn’t even regret saying the L word.  Dan had ordered a pizza for the both of them for Christ’s sake.  They had become closer in a couple weeks than most people did in the first six months of dating.  Phil couldn’t imagine a life without Dan anymore.  He _did_ love him.  Even if he wouldn’t say it again until Dan was ready.  He didn’t want to scare the other man off.

However, while Phil was thinking about that, Dan was in the kitchen having trouble breathing because _yes, it had just been a joke,_ but it was all too much.  He wasn’t ready.  Phil was a calm seaside breeze while Dan was still waves struggling to make it to shore.

_Fond words_  
_That I can’t return_  
_Hover_  
_Before crashing_  
_Please don’t mention  
_ _That now._

It took a while longer for Dan to be ready for anything close to that.  They continued their routines until at some point they realised Phil had a whole drawer full of stuff at Dan’s house and it made perfect sense.  The weather outside grew colder as winter progressed and soon it was impossible to walk along the beach without a thick coat.  Phil didn’t mind the cold so much anymore, not when there was Dan to talk about the beauty in it all.  Besides, his feet were never cold at night anymore given that there was someone to cuddle with.

It was during one of the cooler evenings when Dan proposed a midnight dance party to get warm.

“Come on,” He tried to drag Phil off the couch.  “It’ll be fun.”

“I do not dance.” Phil insisted, trying to make himself as heavy as possible so that Dan wouldn’t be able to pull him up.  They were both grinning the whole time.

“Anyone can dance,” Dan insisted.

“Give me one reason I should risk embarrassment and possible physical injury when I could just as easily get warm by cuddling closer to you?”

“Because I’m the best boyfriend ever.” Dan suggested.

“True, but you’ll still be that even if I don’t get up.”

Dan stopped pulling on Phil’s arm for a moment as he thought.  “How about because I love you?” He said, completely serious.  He knew that went beyond just trying to get Phil up.

“Yeah?” Phil began to smile.  He had dreamt of Dan saying those three words so many times.  They were even better to hear than he had expected.

“Yeah,” Dan smiled too.  “I love you so much.” He repeated because he could and now that he had said it once Dan wanted to tell Phil a thousand times.

“I love you too,” Phil finally got up off the couch, and pulled Dan into a hug.  “So, so much.”

“Dance party?” Dan asked after a moment, his words muffled by Phil’s shoulder where his face was pressed.

“Dance party.” Phil confirmed.

So Dan turned on a song that he had been obsessed with and even though it wasn’t quite the right beat for dancing they made it work.  Phil didn’t quite know what to do with his limbs so Dan held his hands, moving them both to the music.  At some point the song changed and they ended up slow dancing together through Dan’s tiny living room at midnight on a Tuesday.  It was more than either of them could have dreamed of.

_Once thought overrated,_  
_Love_  
_Is anything but._  
_Here with you_  
_Drunk on the feeling_  
_I could write a thousand songs  
_ _And never say it all._

Though throughout everything, Dan still didn’t show Phil any of his writing.  At least he hadn’t yet.  He honestly meant it when he promised that he would soon,  But soon had always had a rather slippery sort of feeling and it allowed Dan to keep making excuses.  Phil was patient, of course, and he never pushed Dan towards anything.  However, at this point it was more Dan pushing himself.  It had been too long of filling notebooks only to tuck them away on shelves to never get read by anyone.  He was damn proud of some of the things he had written.  And it was time he finally shared them with someone else.

They were sitting on Dan’s couch, legs tangled together under a blanket because the winter had brought in more cold sea air, when Dan decided that today was the day he was going to read some of his writing to Phil.  It was a spur of the moment decision but all of a sudden he knew that he needed to do it.  Because if it wasn’t now it would never be, each day was only decreasing the odds of it ever happening, and Dan was tired of not being brave enough.

“Would it be alright if I read you something?”  He said gently.  They had been sitting as music played faintly in the background. It was some guitar player that Phil loved because he was all about the sound of music rather than the lyrics and he swore that you could hear the emotion in the strumming of the guitar and _oh, wasn’t that just the most amazing thing._

Phil wasn’t really thinking about that now though.  Because here was Dan, the boy who he was so incredibly in love with, sitting practically on his lap they were so close together.  And Dan wanted to read Phil something that he had never trusted to anyone before.  So, yeah, Phil didn’t really care about the emotion in the guitar right now, because instead it was right in front of him as Dan looked at him with his endlessly chocolaty eyes.  “I would love that.” He finally answered.

“Okay,” Dan smiled shakily as he reached to grab his ever-near notebook off the coffee table where he had last set it.  “Okay,” He repeated as he flipped open the pages, running his hands across the worn pages as he looked for the one that he had long decided would be the first one he wanted to read to Phil.  “This is from that first night, when we were on the bench.”  He explained.  “It’s not a poem surprisingly, as that’s what most everything else it, but I think that you should hear this first.  I think that - actually - I don’t-”  Dan cut himself off.  He couldn’t communicate what he wanted to say.  “I’m just gonna read it.” He decided.  Dan knew he had to let the words speak for themselves, _that was part of why he wrote them down after all._

_“I think that I met the ocean tonight.  Or at least that’s what it felt like.  The whole time I was being pulled closer by some silent call created by the tides.  It threatened to pull me away._ He _threatened to pull me away.  The thing is, if he hadn’t said goodbye, I think I would have let the ocean take me.”_

Dan’s voice was shaky yet confident as he read the quickly scrawled letters.  He knew that it wasn’t his best work.  He’d like to think it was nothing close to that.  But he thought it important that Phil understand where he was coming from - how strong Dan had felt about him since the night they had met.  Dan needed Phil to understand the gravity of the situation because the more he got involved the more he became aware of the risks.  While Dan never thought that Phil would hurt him, he wanted to make sure that he wasn’t the only one risking his emotions.

“That was beautiful,” Phil’s voice was scratchy when he talked.  “I’m not very good at words myself, but Dan, I’ll never say goodbye again.”

Dan broke out into a grin, that was the perfect thing for Phil to say.

_The cry of waves_  
_Beckoning closer._  
_A swirl of_  
_Stars and reflections._  
_All consuming_  
_Invisible sea  
_ _And glowing skin._

_I’m in love_  
_With an ocean._  
_Suffocating in a_  
_Wonderful feeling_  
_When you say you love me_  
_And I say it  
_ _Back._

**Author's Note:**

> originally posted on my tumblr [here](http://crescendohowell.tumblr.com/post/153707788250/reflections-on-an-invisible-sea)


End file.
